From Worry to Calm: Teaching Kids to Change Their Default Feelings
I recently had a self-realization that I feel compelled to share. On my drive to Boston to celebrate my daughter’s birthday, I was talking with a friend about all the little things I was worrying about.
To give you a sense, these worries included forgetting to pack jewelry, not liking the top I brought to wear, and whether my son might have left the basement door open and my dog (who has epilepsy) might fall down the stairs.
After patiently listening to my tales of woe, my friend said something that stuck with me:
“I think you are so used to worrying that you just find things to worry about even when everything is fine.”
That hit me hard. She was right. Even in calm moments, my brain found ways to nudge me back to worry mode. I realized that I’ve been so used to worrying for so long that my mind simply defaults there.
The Default Emotional Setting
This got me thinking… I can’t be the only one who does this. We all have a default setting — the emotion our mind drifts back to when things are quiet.
For me, it’s worry and sometimes guilt. My daughter often points out that I start sentences with “I feel bad that…”
For you, it might be anger, frustration, jealousy, or even hopelessness.
These emotions become so familiar that our minds return to them like an internal autopilot — even when circumstances don’t justify them.
Kids do this too.
A child who often feels anxious about school may invent new things to be anxious about, even when they’re well prepared.
Another may drift back to self-doubt, even when they’ve succeeded before.
And most of the time, they don’t even realize it’s happening.
Why Do We Do This?
Our brains crave familiarity. If your emotional “default setting” has been worry for years, your brain decides: This is normal. This is safe. So even when there’s no real reason to feel that way, it invents one to keep you in familiar territory.
Steps to Reset Your Default Emotional Setting
1. Awareness
Just naming your default setting takes away some of its power. Ask yourself (or your child):
What feeling do I come back to again and again?
What do I feel when everything is actually fine?
Sometimes you can spot this for your child before they see it themselves, like my friend did for me. For example, if your child always feels anxious before tests, no matter how much they studied, point that out. Show them that they are prepared and ready — yet their mind is still sending them back to worry.
2. Question It
Once you’ve spotted your default, pause and ask:
Is this a real situation I need to feel this way about?
Or is this just my mind pulling me back to my default setting?
You can also help kids by offering perspective. Ask:
“If your friend studied as much as you did and got all the answers right on their practice test, would you think they should still be worried?”
This helps them step outside their own thinking and see the irrational pattern.
3. Reset the Thermostat
The exciting part is that you can change your setting. You don’t have to live at “worry” or “anger” forever.
Choose a new baseline emotion: calm, curiosity, gratitude, or hope. Each time you notice yourself drifting back to your old default, gently reset the dial.
For me, I’ve been practicing gratitude. Whenever I catch myself worrying for no reason, I remind myself: “I’m thankful that everything is fine right now. I don’t need to invent problems.” That shift in perspective is powerful.
Helping Kids Reset
Children often worry about things that aren’t real threats — tests, social situations, “what if” scenarios. Teach them to pause and ask:
“Is this a real worry, or is my mind just keeping me at my worry setting?”
Make it fun:
Draw a simple Feelings Thermostat or Default Dial together.
Ask: “What’s your default feeling? What do you always go back to?”
Let them mark their usual setting — then decide together what new setting they’d like to move toward.
Practice pausing and resetting when the old feeling sneaks back in. At first, you can point it out for them when you notice it. With practice, they’ll learn to do it on their own.
The Bigger Picture
Recognizing and resetting your default emotional setting is a skill for life. Things happen that may shift our defaults without us realizing it, but knowing this is possible — and adjusting when needed — is a powerful step toward mind mastery.
Challenge: This week, notice your default setting. Every time you catch yourself slipping back into it, pause and ask, “Is this real or is this just my mind’s default mode?” Next, practice choosing a different setting that serves you better. Then, do this exercise with your child.