Sparks and Triggers
You probably know your child's triggers:
Hungry + tired + a 45-minute restaurant wait? You know what's coming.
Losing to their sibling at Monopoly? Brace yourself.
The fun outing they've been looking forward to gets canceled at the last minute? Uh-oh.
As parents, we become experts in our children's triggers. We know what sets them off.
But do we know what lights them up?
🌳What song changes the energy in the room?
🌳What memory makes them smile?
🌳What place makes their shoulders drop?
🌳What reminds them, I'm okay. I'm safe. I can handle this.
I call those things sparks. And knowing your child's sparks may be just as important as knowing their triggers.
Discovering Sparks
Sparks are the people, places, memories, sounds, smells, objects, and experiences that help us reconnect with feelings we want or need, like calm, confidence, connection, and joy.
Sparks aren't about making uncomfortable feelings disappear. They're reminders: a familiar path back when emotions feel especially big.
When your child sees a photo from a special family vacation, they might feel joy.
When your child smells the scent of their favorite cookies being baked, they might feel safe or calm.
When your child hears a song that was playing when they won the championship, they may feel confident.
All of these things are sparks, and we can help our child discover them by taking a few steps.
Step 1: Become a Detective
We start the process by asking ourselves what makes our child feel good. Here are some suggestions:
🌳What lights my child up?
🌳What settles them?
🌳What makes them feel safe?
🌳What reminds them who they are?
Maybe you've seen your child jump up and dance when they hear a certain song.
Maybe you know the blanket they always grab when they are feeling blue.
Maybe you have seen the power of a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup calm your child down.
Take note of these instances and keep them in the back of your mind (or, if you're like me and can't remember anything unless it's in ink, write them down).
Step 2: Have Your Child Create a Spark List
While we want to have an idea ourselves of what makes our child feel good, we ultimately want them to figure out what their sparks are for themselves.
Now, ask your child some questions:
🌳What makes you laugh almost every time?
🌳What song makes you feel good?
🌳Where do you feel most peaceful?
🌳What reminds you that you're brave?
🌳Who makes you feel safe?
🌳What's a memory that always makes you smile?
🌳What helps your body calm down?
🌳What's something you love to look at, smell, hear, touch, or do?
You can use your own list to guide these questions. Once they have a list of their sparks, they can put them into categories:
Joy Sparks: makes me laugh or feel happy
Calm Sparks: helps my body settle
Confidence Sparks: reminds me I can do hard things
Connection Sparks: reminds me I'm loved/not alone
Step 3: Match the Spark to the Feeling
Having their own list of sparks gives them tools to pull out when they want to evoke a certain feeling. If they know their list of sparks, they can ask themselves, “I am feeling nervous right now; what is one of my calm sparks?” This helps children understand that while they can't always choose what they feel, they can learn what helps them move through those feelings.
A child who's nervous before a soccer game may not need a Joy Spark. They may need a Confidence Spark.
A child who's furious with their brother may not need Mom to blast their favorite song. They may need a Calm Spark.
A child who's missing you at sleepaway camp might need a Connection Spark.
When a child matches the spark to the feeling, they are asking themselves these questions:
What am I feeling?
What do I need right now?
Which of my sparks might help?
This is a skill that they can use well into the future.
What This Looks Like in Real Life
Your daughter comes home from school upset because she wasn't invited to something her friends are doing.
You don't immediately pull out her Spark List and try to cheer her up.
First, you let her be disappointed. Then, when she's ready, you might ask:
"What do you think you need right now, a little calm, connection, confidence, or maybe just some joy?"
Maybe she chooses Connection. She remembers that one of her Connection Sparks is looking through funny photos of her cousins. Or calling Grandma. Or curling up next to you with the dog.
The spark doesn't erase what happened. It gives her something she can reach for while she moves through it.
The Impact of Sparks
Creating sparks in a child's life is a proactive approach to fostering emotional resilience. These positive associations act as a buffer against the challenges they might face and the triggers they may experience.
When our kids are little, we can help them discover their sparks and reach for them when emotions feel big.
But eventually, the goal is for them to do it themselves.
I'm nervous. I know what helps me feel grounded.
I'm discouraged. I know what reminds me that I can do hard things.
I'm lonely. I know what helps me feel connected.
That's emotional resilience: not avoiding the triggers, but knowing yourself well enough to find your way through them.
So yes, learn your child's triggers. But help them discover their sparks, too.
Challenge: Use one of the examples from above or come up with your own way to create a spark in your child’s life. See if their mood changes once they experience the spark.